.and good night.

lovesjesusfish @ 2007-11-22T21:25:00

2007-11-23T04:24:45Z

there are times when i'm really unhappy or lonely but i feel like i shouldn't be, so i don't say anything about it.

lovesjesusfish @ 2007-06-06T09:26:00

2007-06-06T15:35:40Z

it has been quite awhile since i've written here...nearly a year. i doubt it anyone would read it anymore, but on the off chance, here's a quick update:

*i have one semester left of college.
*i just moved into a new apartment with my friend katie and for the first time in college, i have my own bedroom.
*i'm much different than i was when you knew me, but i'm much more myself. constantly growing.
*i'm dating the most amazing man and it is by far the best relationship i've been in. we've been together almost five months.
*i work constantly and never have any money, but i love my jobs.
*i like myself more than i ever have.
*i'm slightly scared of the future. post-college future is coming upon me pretty fast.
*i strongly dislike my christian school and would transfer if it didn't mean graduating later. my university is quietly firing professors for being too free-thinking or assigning books they don't agree with. i cannot wait to be done here, but i will miss certain people more than i can say.
*i'll more than likely be moving to work with prison fellowship when i graduate. if i'm still with ben, i don't know what we're going to do.
*i just got back from a two week trip to costa rica. it was incredible to work with the prisoners there, but for the first time ever on such a short trip, i was homesick and i think it had something to do with that man i love.

*i'm so happy. even with all the shit of life and the uncertainties, i'm happy.

lovesjesusfish @ 2006-07-05T22:26:00

2006-07-06T04:27:14Z

tonight i am quite proud of myself.

i stepped completely out of my comfort zone (and by 'completely' i mean that my comfort zone was a blur in the distance) and did something i've always wanted to do but never had the courage.

i attended beginner's jazz dance for adults at the arvada center.

as i watched myself in the wall-covering mirror, i realized how completely beautiful and worthwhile i am. i smiled at myself, wearing dark blue comfortable dance pants and a brown tank top with no make up and my eyes lit up.

as i spun and spotted across the floor toward my dance instructor, trying not to get dizzy, stay up on my toes, keep my legs straight, and stare at one single focal point, i hear my dance instructor (an amazing middle aged man who has more rhythm than i'll ever have) cry, 'yes, yes, carly, perfect!'

i danced my little heart out, came home, put on dirty dancing (an all-time favorite) and leapt across my living room floor. proud that while i'm slightly slow on the uptake and not the most naturally gifted dancer ever, i showed up and i put my all into it. and i won't give up.

meanwhile i keep dancing

2006-07-04T19:24:21Z

"i like to get off with people,
i like to lie in their arms
i like to be held and lightly kissed,
safe from all alarms

i like to laugh and be happy
with a beautiful kiss
i tell you, in all the world
there is no bliss like this"

(stevie smith 'conviction iv')

lovesjesusfish @ 2006-06-19T11:18:00

2006-06-19T17:19:25Z

sha la la la don't be shy

the moments that measure our days are an interesting phenomenon to me.

yesterday for instance was, on the whole, a long, tired, stressful day. but there were a few redeeming moments that kept me afloat and allowed my spirits to remain relatively high.

my favorite manager wrapped me in such a huge, bear hug yesterday that i almost fell over.
right when i was having the worst moment of my day, elwood came into johnny's and gave me a big hug as well and made me smile.
a teenage girl came back in after she left to take a picture with her server, roman, to show her friends back home and i just found it highly amusing and gave roman quite a bit of shit about it.
having my favorite texan in my apartment and being able to sit down on the couch and have a good conversation about life. and laugh at her wonderful humor.

'even if he shaved his head and got cancer, i would still hate him.' (halley june 'huck' hannabas)

moments like these stand out in my mind. these seemingly small things that glow and illuminate my heart.

'there's always a little bullshit in truth.' (my manager...this also greatly amused me)

for those of you who don't have myspace...

2006-06-15T15:03:41Z

this is my boyfriend kyle

yeah, we're pretty cute. i kinda like him a whole lot. think i might keep him for awhile.

lovesjesusfish @ 2006-06-14T15:53:00

2006-06-14T21:55:30Z

'ta-ta sounds more innocent'

::the universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor:: (carrie bradshaw, sex and the city)

::maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be:: (carrie bradshaw)

yes. yes, i am gathering wisdom from sex and the city. i'm addicted.

but seriously, i need to stop buying clothes. but i buy cute clothes. on sale. (whenever possible). i now have several new adorable shirts. only one shirt cost more than twelve dollars and it was from urban and i'm in love with it. and true love knows no price.

i must say this pleases my soul. i do believe i've gotten more out of shopping the past couple of days than i have out of going to chapel the past two years.

(btw, i had eighty-four dollars of chapel fines this semester. nineteen absences. it was time well-spent watching what not to wear, sleeping in, and generally being a heathen.)

oh! i also bought two new poetry books. (it's academic; shut up about me spending too much money.) hot teen slut gets fucked in the head and working class represent by cristin o'keefe aptowicz. i heart them greatly.

::i want us to represent making out the way lightbulbs represent ideas:: (c.o.a.)

life would be near perfect if i didn’t feel like my uterus was trying to claw its way out of my body. what the hell did i ever do to my uterus to deserve this internal rebellion?

::later that day i got to thinking about relationships. there are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. but the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. and if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous:: (carrie bradshaw)

life's too short, babe, time is flyin'

2006-05-18T04:13:18Z

for those of you who haven't seen me in awhile, this is what i look like now.
i just got all my hair chopped off.
and i took out my lip ring because of my two jobs.

this will be my summer:

living with three amazing girls in our very own off-campus apartment that we are painting pretty colors.
hostessing at johnny carino's (which i love) and being an intern with prison fellowship (which = dream job for me)
reading books that i want to read. right now i am on the waves by virginia woolf.
attempting to be self-reflective and work through some of my shit.
hopefully coming to az for a week or so.
talking to the bf on the phone (as he does not live here) and *crosses fingers* hopefully seeing him at least once.
watching movies.
and basically doing whatever the fuck i want. ;-)

my list

2006-05-03T04:25:57Z

i only have one more final.
honest to god, my shakespeare group and i did a freaking puppet show instead of memorizing the lines we were supposed to for a skit. we are amazing. it was epic. epic.
my new apartment is sweet.
i'm so excited for summer.
my bf is real sweet.
i'm super tired and want to sleep for a long long time.
yeah...that's life.

so it's official

2006-04-24T06:24:00Z

i'm going to bed wearing my boyfriend's t-shirt.

there is something so safe and comforting in that.

oh. my. god.

2006-04-21T18:55:28Z

kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow. kyle's coming tomorrow.

um, yeah, i'm excited. and nervous.

sigh.

<3<3<3<3

i can't wait to see what will come of this...

shake it like a salt shaka

2006-04-15T18:17:44Z

having dan here in colorado is probably the best thing ever. i really seriously wish he lived here. if i could have my best az friends here in co, life really would be perfect. (and if i could have the long-distance unofficial bf here in co...that would be fun too).

dan and i have been having a blast so far this weekend.

and next weekend, kyle smith will be here. i'm so nervous and excited. but i bought an amazingly cute, dan-approved strapless summer dress to wear when kyle's here. and a really cute necklace. and...oh sigh...i love being a girl. absolutely love it. i love being a girl who is comfortable with herself, so buying cute clothes, buying jewelry, getting fun makeup, is simply for fun to add to a body that i like and am confident in (most of the time).

ps clubbing with dan and danielle = most entertaining experience of my life.

...in one week exactly from right now, kyle will see me in that dress...

bored

2006-04-13T01:09:24Z

9 lasts:

-last place you were: king soopers (our local grocery store)
-last cigarette: mmm, never.
-last beverage? orange juice with emergen-c mixed in
-last kiss: last kiss on the cheek was this week. last real kiss, june.
-last movie seen: rent
-last phone call: kyle
-last cd played: caedmon's call
-last bubble bath: i can't even remember when
-last time you cried: a couple nights ago
----------------------------------------------------------------
8 have you evers:

-have you ever dated someone twice: no
-have you ever been cheated on: nope
-have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it? no regrets there
-have you ever fallen in love? not yet
-have you ever lost someone: yes
-have you ever been depressed: not seriously depressed
-have you ever been drunk and thrown up: no, but i do turn 21 in less than seven months...
----------------------------------------------------------------
7 states you've been to:

1. California
2. Massachusetts
3. Virginia
4. Texas
5. Missouri
6. Colorado
7. Arizona

-------------------------------------------
6 things you've done today:

one. ate oatmeal
two. went to ALL of my classes
three. cleaned the kitchen and a little bit in my room
four. dropped by johnny carino's to pick up my paycheck
five. went to the grocery store
six. crashed and watched tbs comedies for awhile

however, secret answer SEVEN: will pick up dan from the airport in less than four hours!!
----------------------------------------------------------------
5 favorite things:

1. chapstick
2. poetry
3. boys who smell good
4. paris on the platte
5. cuddling
----------------------------------------------------------------
4 people you can tell pretty much anything to:

1. danielle
2. chelsea
3. kyle
4. melissa
------------------------------------------------------------
3 favorite colors:

1. black
2. white
3. brown
----------------------------------------------------------------
2 things you want to do before you die:

1. travel the world with my husband
2. reform the prison system
----------------------------------------------------------------
1 thing you regret:

1. probably taking this quiz...i have so much to do.

wow

2006-03-30T15:41:32Z

i wish there was a word for that stage in a relationship between 'friend' and 'boyfriend.' yes, he's more than my friend. no, he's not my boyfriend (yet). so he's...yeah...that. and he's the most incredible boy i've ever met. i don't even understand it.

when i woke up this morning, i checked my email and he sent me a poem last night that he wrote when he couldn't sleep and was apparently "thinking of all things [me]." holy shit. like really.

wow.

a few years late

2006-03-27T21:36:07Z

i think regret is one of the worst feelings.

lovesjesusfish @ 2006-03-24T17:25:00

2006-03-25T00:30:07Z

spring break in az is over...

back to the colorado cold and school work. lame.

lovesjesusfish @ 2006-03-17T15:27:00

2006-03-17T22:28:31Z

i woke up in arizona this morning. do you have any idea how happy that makes me? i feel as if a cold, hard weight has been lifted from my heart to wake up in my parents' house, my parents who went out of their way to buy me my favorite coffee, orange juice, plenty of cold medicine, already have heirloom presents to give me (a beautiful blanket of my grandmother's that will be coming back to co with me), wonderful listening ears and open arms with their own committed yet passionate love for one another. my parents have been married almost 30 years and have seen it all, yet still act like thirteen year olds, holding hands and being playful and constantly telling each other 'i love you' and more embarrassing things i would never post here.

my flight was wretched last night but that is nearly all erased right now. physically, i feel a whole lot better. emotionally, i'm ready to face so much more and feel much less tense and wretched. spiritually...well, maybe that'll come later.

one thing that i always seem to notice and my heart always breaks over whenever i'm in an incredibly crowded place (ie the airport) is how much women, of every shape, size, age, and social status still strive so much. no matter what they look like, it is obvious that we are striving with everything in us to be more beautiful, to like ourselves more, to shout to the world, ' i have something to offer! notice me too!' it always amazes me. it comforts me to know that i'm not the only woman who does this, but kills me that any of us does it. striving to stop striving. i'm getting there. one day at a time. forward motion, though i struggle with it...i'm doing it. one step forward. then another. and here i come.

//this is where i belong. can't i come? he's old enough. i've been holding on for so long. giving in and finally letting go.//

i continually realize that i truly am my father's daughter. i see myself in my dad more and more every day. and it's a privilege.

hells yeah

2006-03-16T00:10:59Z

i'm going to be home tomorrow night!!!

arizona, here i come. frick yeah.

//and if you left it up to me, every day would be a holiday from real.//

i really seriously need this break. i'm starting to get a cold though which is disconcerting because i would really like to not be sick on my break that i so desperately need. everyone has been sick lately and i managed to avoid it for awhile and thought i was in the clear but today came the stuffy nose, grogginess, sneezing, etc. oh boy. so i downed a lot of vitamin c and shall continue to do so.

//fuck yeah, we could live like this.//

hold on tight, wait for tomorrow; you'll be alright

2006-03-07T17:23:06Z

i don't know what to write about.

should i write about how:

every night when i'm falling asleep i ask God if he's real?
i wonder if i'm actually doing anything with my life--what's the purpose of studying english at college anyway? it's not helping anybody.
my heart aches with love every day, so much that i can hardly stand sometimes?
i miss people that i see all the time?
i don't feel like i can ever get better?
my insecure side has been winning out lately and i don't know how to combat lies that i know are lies but i believe them anyway?
i want to be doing so much more and my heart is just so tired?

no. i don't need to get into any of that.

woo!

2006-03-03T22:07:20Z

i get to hang out with the amazing kathryn butler tonight!

(she happens to be in denver for some school thing so we're going to meet up)

i'm so freaking excited!

you have bewitched me, body and soul

2006-03-01T07:40:54Z

i need a break from life.

i feel like i'm barely scraping by...

...if at all.

be with me here

2006-02-27T03:16:27Z

walk or crawl, this much is true

today's a discouraging day.

literally, all i want to do is cry. sleep. drink coffee or hot chocolate. be wrapped up in a blanket. yell to God. watch movies. sleep some more. and probably cry a lot more.

when you can look at a boy, who had all of the promise he could muster, who was so stubbornly determined to succeed this time, who read the bible more in his first stint at ridgeview than you have in a lifetime of going to church, when you can look at him...a few months later...and see the failure etched in the lines of his face, the defeat that has taken up permanent residence in his eyes...when you hear him tell you that he tried and he tried and he tried but when he paroled out he was thrust into the same situation that landed him there in the first place. and he 'messed up.' he's back in. at least seven more months. and the hurt is manifesting itself in his mouth. disheveled. this time he's just a bit dirtier. more messy. less idealistic. less hopeful. staggering worse than ever under the load of shame and guilt he feels. and he's back. those are the times when your heart breaks. those are the times when you worry. wonder whether you're effective. know that you're not doing enough but in your situation, what more can you do at this point?

faces flash across your mind.

   ::mark had a dangerous affinity for 'the ladies' but he was the Son of Encouragement::
        ::john struggled with pride of self but he was also proud of his God::
                   ::chris habitually hurt himself with every drug you never heard of but he had a heart sympathetic to the pain of others::
                                             ::kenneth jumped at the thought of the police but he had a smile that could warm your heart.::
                         ::kyle looked capable of anything. he also looked full of neglect and rejection but when he was on stage he shone::
     ::salvador was raised train to kill but decided to train to be fitted for something holy::
                   ::adrian wanted to have children of all nationalities but found himself to be a child of a perfect father::
              ::alan laughed at his misfortunes but he was the little brother you never had::

::tim was among the strongest you ever knew there, a real leader, someone who felt called by God. you haven't seen him since they placed him on suicide watch nearly a year ago.::

and these faces will never leave me. but my heart always wonders where they are. how they are. if they made it. if they'll eventually make it. are they in prison? dead? high? a new father? or in school? at church? making an impact on the people around them? still pursuing God? loved? is anyone loving them now that i don't get to?

or are they hopelessly alone, judged, cast off by society and the church?

can i go cry now?

//i've always been an easy kill..//

lovesjesusfish @ 2006-02-20T14:06:00

2006-02-20T21:11:03Z

you are the branch within my reach

and so we hope. against all logic.

i have a ridiculously unfounded crush. and i hate it. but at the same time...i hope. against all logic. and i daydream. and i imagine that if he called me cute--twice, mind you--that we must have a future. a future where i am held and i feel safe being myself and where we can cuddle under blankets and he can know how to change a tire and cook chicken and will smell like a combination of rugged boy and boys' cologne. always. and he will fight for me and protect me and show my heart that it is safe to trust again and safe to expose itself to all elements, for he is guarding it and battling any that threaten it...and will not be a threat to it himself.

and i will be able to describe him to my friends as adorable, in the most manly way possible.

and while i want to grow up, there are some things i don't want to let go of. (am not capable of letting go?) and i thought it through. i wrote it all out. in a leatherbound journal. in a coffee shop. i feel like the mere setting ought to give it a certain authority or give it true pull over my heart.

//i seem to have no direction. i have no control.//

i'm not sure what it will take to drop off my luggage and walk away from it. for good and for always. do i need to pinky swear with it? i'll agree to never pick it up again as long as it stays out of my sight and doesn't come rolling back into my apartment after i abandoned it in that trashy hotel. deal? deal.

i don't know what it looks like, or more importantly, what it feels like to be completely free from all of that.

can i really do all i wrote in my journal? can i love the ones i have no desire to love?

can my heart be patient.kind.not proud.not boastful.not rude.rejoicing in truth not in injustice.hopeful.persevering.not jealous.not keeping a record of wrongs.not demanding its own way.not irritable.never giving up? i don't know. i immediately came home to a note that tested that. one that is hardest for me to love. wrote a note. on my refrigerator. indicating that i must put into practice what i penned to paper. and what now my heart cannot forget. (but could easily ignore or write off if need be. if want be.)

can i love against all odds? can i look at love from both sides and push away the stagnate wounds? do i even want to be the bigger person? well, i know i don't. but i know that i deserve to be. and i'm only imprisoning myself.

//deep inside, we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment.//

i really don't know love at all.

lovesjesusfish @ 2006-02-19T20:44:00

2006-02-20T03:48:25Z

the brightest firefly

[[['but since your life may indeed have fallen apart, the illusion won't hold up forever and if you are lucky and brave, you will be willing to bear disillusion.' (anne lamott)]]]

(i seriously freaking love anne lamott. please go read her. please do it. i've never read anything so real and raw.)

the bottom is latin for: to be rather than to seem.

this sums up so much of me. i don't want to seem strong. i don't want to seem happy. i don't want to seem like i'm doing well. i want to be strong. i want to be happy. i want to be doing well. to be rather than to seem. and i am tearing down those walls. tearing down those defense mechanisms and i am able to say that i am making progress and i am proud of myself.

if i do not find it an appealing trait in others to pretend that they're doing well, in essense, to continually seem, than most people will also not find that appealing. yes, there will be people who won't like who i am because i tried to tear down my walls and not pretend that i'm perfect. and with part of me, i want to put those walls back up. but it used to be with every part of me. but if i am secure enough in who i am, then this is me. take me or leave me.

and i can find happiness in everyday life.

especially when i'm watching law and order: svu.

and loving every minute of life, even those that aren't particularly wonderful because they all matter.

lovesjesusfish @ 2006-02-18T23:16:00

2006-02-19T06:19:57Z

too much love for one, just enough for two

//faint hearts never won fair lady.// (robin hood...the disney version)

but really, it's so true.

every now and then i'm an emotional girl. (crazy, i know). and i get pessimistic about life.

but then i have a day like today. i actually wake up early and sit down on the couch to read mansfield park, the power goes out so i'm curled up on the couch under mountains of blankets because the apartment is slowly getting colder and i can't make coffee. (and i have quite the affinity for blankets...no, really.) it eventually became more warm to just completely get under the blankets and drop the book, so i had a beautiful little nap. later, amanda came over, jenna and danielle woke up and my attempts at homework shot out the window. but, oh boy, did i laugh.

'hot and ready...like me.'

we 'read.' watched some svu. (i feel like any good day must include that.)

and of course, most good days include meese shows, danielle, chelsea, maddie, jenna, then running into brady loyd at the concert and all of us hanging out the whole time. it also includes hugging david before chelsea gets a chance to, laughing at meese's antics, watching the kid that looks strikingly like rod stewart, having maddie go balls out at good times getting the wild fries, and coming home to our entire apartment watching a movie together. one of my favorite things in life is when all five of us get to hang out. at the same time. we're all so busy that it hardly ever happens.

i forget how much music enters into my heart. it enters in and twists around and it becomes a piece of who i am. and i love that.

<3<3<3

love.love.love.

(he said that i was mysterious and cute...oh sigh.) is it bad that that makes me feel like a giddy little girl?